Comedy Poetry Collection #1
I used to write a bunch more poetry. Here is some comedy pieces I wrote while doing a poetry-based performance art thing in college. I forced myself to write a poem every hour on the hour for three days. Here are some of my favorites.
2/1 – 11pm
Look at her.
Beautiful, smart, hair like flowing streamers.
Caring, loving, with gorgeous red hair.
Kind, passionate, please let me touch hair.
Joyful, patient, NO... you’re acting weird-
Special, beautiful, calling the cops because all my “hair shit” makes her “uncomfortable”.
Look at me.
Dependable, compassionate, NOT TALKING ABOUT HAIR ANYMORE, JESUS CHRIST.
2/3 – 12pm
I’ll break your fucking jaw.
I’ll snap your bones like twigs.
I’ll break off every one of your toes and fingers.
I’ll crush your entire vertebrae into a fine powder.
This is how you fit an educational skeleton into a dumpster.
2/1 – 11pm
They say…
Don’t
Bring
Your
Work
Home
The real estate mogul quaked in fear.
Astrology for Dummies – 9/9
clutching a cup and being told
<You're a Gemeni and a Trarus rising>
what is a rising?
like in the morning?
you look back at her and try to ask
but she looks so happy
<You're a Gemeini and a Truaus rising>
like truly happy
which is more than anyone can say at this party
more than you can say
and she's happy just to have someone to listen
<You're a Geemni and a Treaurus rising>
i didn't know someone's chin could make you happy
because i have no idea what a star chart is
or what a taret card is
but her chin makes me smile
and her voice makes me wanna listen
<You're a- You're a Gemini and a Taurus Rising. You're a Cancer moon. I still don't know what that means but I think it might impress her. >
Scrooge McDuck 1: Not Jeff Bezos
Being an oil tycoon and owning a mine doesn’t
make you an evil man. Like the Charles Dicken’s novella, I, too, am haunted by my successes
and have people around me who always want more.
What does anthropomorphic mean? And I’m not
Scottish-American, I’m Scottish. There is more
money in America so I’m here, permanently, on business.
Scrooge McDuck 2: Grocery Store
The inability to correctly pick up a plastic
bag and place it in my kitchen is astounding.
Hijinks, tomfoolery, and goofs galore, and
yet no bread in the pantry.
The hardship of the wealthy is unknown among
the others. Enough money to fill a pit but not
enough to have someone place the food in my
hand. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the people I
surround myself. Never trust the help.
Scrooge McDuck 3: McDuck Dinners
The noises of children running rings the
halls in the worst way. Tardiness must skip a generation like a crooked beak and red hair.
Holding utensils stoically until 5:15 in a
silent protest never seemed to remedy, as the
issue continued to persist.
An obsessive need for antics is the same as
an obsessive need for attention. That’s not
impressive. More sad than impressive. Even
sadder if nothing changes within for 30 years.
2/3 – 5am
I’d swallow the moon for you.
I’d unhinge my jaw and swallow the whole moon.
I would develop a space rope (rope for space) and learn to lasso large objects, working my way up to the entire moon.
I would stay under the radar so the government couldn’t hear my plans and I would make my way to a massive field.
In said field, I would use my space rope and my new lassoing ability to bring the moon down to me and I’d swallow the moon for you-
Fuck, she’s gone. She left during the “space rope” stuff.
